A Pep Talk for Those Going (and Not Going) to AWP. With advice from Danusha Lameris and Elizabeth Gilbert

Warning: Vulnerable Post Ahead!

Photo by Ahmed Hasan on Unsplash

Feeling “Not Good Enough” at AWP.

So. I’m back in Los Angeles, my old stomping grounds (writing grounds, eating grounds, loving grounds) for AWP and I’m suddenly flooded with emotions. To me, these hills are haunted with the ghosts of my past selves. Failures. Triumphs. Men who dumped me. The one who didn’t. The friends I’ve made and lost. The poems I’ve had published and the many, many, many projects I’ve abandoned, given-up on, or failed to get accepted. They’re all up there in those barely-green hills. Or they’re waving at me when I drive by the sea. All of them mocking me for what I’ve failed to accomplish.

I’m used to that, but then I saw on the calendar of events that a poet who was very mean to me ten years ago (won’t start rumors about who it is), is headlining at a big event. Worse, she’s headlining with some of my favorite poets who I want to headline with.

AWP is a Great Place to Feel Jealous of Everybody

It reminds me again how challenging it is to be an artist. 90% of the time we’re failing. The 10% of the time that we “succeed” we still have to ask, “is this good enough?” And then you throw into it a situation like AWP. This is where all of the “great” writers go. Some of them are your age. Some are much younger. All of them are amazing and you look up at the luminaries on the stage and ask “Why isn’t that me with that book deal, major prize, panel position and group of adoring fans?”

I was feeling really bummed the other day, and got on the phone with a long-time poetry pal. This is one of the writers I most admire and look-up to and wish I could emulate. Instead of flicking me away like the little piece of dried up hair dander that I feel I am these days, she told me that she too is feeling less-than at AWP. Her latest book isn’t ready. She didn’t get the deal she wanted. And at the age she is, she isn’t yet a household name.

I was so glad she told me this. It’s not that I want to see a fellow writer struggling, but at the same time, it reminds me that none of us are alone in this struggle. This poet is one of my favorite people to read, learn from, and most importantly, spend time with. If neither of us ever get to become household names, I’m still so glad I get to/got to spend my time sharing poems with this one true audience member.

After this short but re-affirming phone call, I got into class with The Poetry Salon. There were five other faces staring back at me from the zoom room. Not an adoring crowd of strangers, but rather 5 poets I know who share their work with me and with one another on a regular basis - poets I also admire and learn from and share poetry with myself.

Remembering What is Really Important

All of a sudden the rest of my anger and resentment and fear and self-loathing melted away. Forget about the crowds, I thought. This is what it’s like to feel “home,” to feel loved and accepted for who I am, where I am on this journey. Not in a big crowd, but in a small group.

Incidentally, “home” is what Elizabeth Gilbert calls her writing. It’s not the fans cheering, it’s not the publishers writing acceptance letters, it’s not even money. It’s doing the writing itself. She says that whenever she feels despair, she has to take herself back “home.” Danusha Lameris, in this interview I did with her a few months ago, affirmed that the best part of doing this work is not the applause of strangers, but rather the surprises you get when you have an “aha” moment in your writing. It’s the time you spend at a park or in your living room opening your notebook and taking time to be with yourself, your own heart and mind. It’s like riding a horse through a forest and suddenly entering a clearing, to paraphrase Lameris. That’s the real joy of the work, and, also, the community that you develop as you do this writing and then share it with friends.

So, if you’re feeling disappointed because you aren’t yet a household name, may I take this opportunity to recommend you find a small group of friends and fellow writers who also may not be household names, and start sharing your work with them.

If you want to join our group of friends, you can do it in two ways.

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Here are some things we have coming up this spring.

Workshop Description
How do we write poetry about the natural world in a time of climate crisis? In the introduction to 100 Poems to Save the Earth, editors Zoe Brigley and Kristian Evans write: "Poetry calls us to stay awake, to find the words to describe how it feels, to sing to what hurts, to reach out, to attend more closely and with more care, to each other, and to our fellow species, to see all things as our kin." We'll read and discuss poems by a variety of contemporary ecopoets to gain perspective and inspiration, then draft our own poems in support of the more than human world.

About the Instructor
Joanne durham is the author of To Drink from a Wider Bowl, winner of the Sinclair Poetry Prize from Evening Street Press, and the chapbook, On Shifting Shoals, from Kelsay Books. Awards include the Miriam Chaikin Poetry Prize, the Mary Ruffin Poole Prize from the NC Poetry Society, 3 Pushcart Prize nominations and she has been a finalist in numerous other contests. Her poetry appears in Poetry South, Poetry East, CALYX, Vox Populi, James Crews' anthology, The Wonder of Small Things, and many other journals and anthologies. She lives on the North Carolina coast, with the ocean as her backyard, muse, and source of equanimity in difficult times.

Workshop Description

“Sometimes the little times you don't think are anything while they're happening turn out to be what marks a whole period of your life.” -- Andy Warhol

“We are not just Art for Michelangelo to carve, he can't rewrite the agro of my furied heart-- Lady Gaga

Our Pop Culture is determined by the everyday signs we give each other—the music we listen to, clothes and fashions we wear, the slang we use, greeting rituals, gifts we buy. Pop Culture are those ubiquitous icons that follow us in our lives. Pop Culture can both a blessing and a curse to the finer Art forms, as it can be full of schlock and cheap thrills. But when used selectively as a tool in writing, pop culture can be a playful and aesthetic device to deploy that narrative arc in the work. Because these iconic things in our world are metaphors and symbols for the complexity and dimension of any story or human situation. These iconic talismans can mark history, personal and otherwise, tell us where we were and what time period and what political climate?—all cues and important references the writer plants seeds for the reader. We all bring a context, and Pop Culture to the narrative, and allows us to make associations, and useful ‘mind tags.’ Blurring the lines of Art and artifice, we will aim for the finer craft and aesthetics--with an eye towards image, metaphor, tone and craft.

Plus, join me for two special live readings in L.A. for free!